Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Catch-22 of What-Ifs

So it is time to finally start getting serious with this blog. Finally start trying to pick myself up off of the couch that probably has my body shape molded in it by now. Time to start thinking about the future and how I can make lemons out of lemonade. It is time to document the journey & the ups and downs! Since DH's failed reversal I have been through hell and back. Probably two times over. We were depressed, fighting, crying and overall sad and unable to get along. My heart was full of despair and anger as I felt like I was putting so much energy out into the pre-existing family I walked into rather than starting to realize some of my own dreams. What a toxic mix of emotions flying around. Couple that with DH stressed out about custody battle and him going on prednisone to see if his surgery site would open back up, and we have a party! I remember after two months of prednisone, and a FALSE image of what we thought was sperm (was really just a cheap dirty microscope lens!) and that whole let down from scoping, which I think in my YouTube video from Halloween pretty much said we saw sperm because I thought we did-nope. Just a dirty lens. I remember the feeling when after two months of prednisone (holy side effects!) and arguing with DH we got yet another big fat, zero. I have to say, the second zero on the analysis really didn't hurt as much. It was like I had become numb after all the let-downs. I spent most days feeling like I got hit by a truck. Things seemed to move in slow motion as I put writing my novel (my passion!) on hold and simply 'went through the motions' of life. I reached out to some friends , but they didn't get it. They ultimately only said hurtful things such as 'well maybe you weren't meant to have kids' or 'it will happen in its own time' and 'you're not ready for kids' and the worse insult yet 'you will understand when you have your own'.Crazy says what?! I am for one, a parent to my stepdaughter. I treat her well, keep her safe and provide a nice home for her. Sure she's not my bio child, but I still know what it is like to have a child in my care in my home. Couple that with the fact that I was first grade teacher for three years and have worked with kids since 12. I don't think it's anyone's business whether I am 'ready' to have kids or not considering I could have been a mom at 20 if life so happened to chose that path for me. I was meant to be a mom. The lines get crossed with moms at the school and community who love to remind me that I am not my stepdaughter's mom. Hello, don't you think I already know that?! I am reminded all the time of it and given looks by moms who seems genuinely offended by my presence at the school. I have never tried to 'take mom's place'. I have no interest in it. I want to start a family to add on to this with DH. I am a bonus mom. I pick her up from school because it will save us over 700 a month in daycare and because she genuinely enjoys it and DH is at work. That does not make me an evil person. I swear, people watch me literally waiting for me to say the wrong thing or make mistakes. I am assuming this is because they have their own opinions about what a stepmother is and should do. Well ladies, if you are a stepmom this isn't technically your problem, but theirs-- but unfortunately you will run into it and the whole world will seem to notice you are an outsider. You get scolded for parenting too much, parenting too little. Catch-22. If you are facing infertility brought on by a snip snip like I am, unfortunately you are reminded on a very regular basis that your DH had the magic of children with someone else and it can cut really deep. Trying to always act 'mature' and understanding during a crisis like this is a very big battle. My stepdaughter has no idea how much I am hurting. It would be wrong to take it out on her in any way, so I don't. But I do harbor resentment towards DH and have had to work very very hard on that. I do get resentful that I am childless, standing around like an idiot at the school, being told 'I just don't understand because I don't have my own' or 'You're not her real mom.' No sh*t sherlock, I was just playing house. NOT. People can be ignorant. I can't tell you how many women and even ones I thought were friends have hurt me recently. Stepmammas, I know you can relate. Even people in my family who thought they meant well say things that are devastatingly hurtful. So while going through all this, I am adjusting to being an overnight parent to an child that is not mine, dealing with DH's ex and all the drama that comes along along with being unable to conceive naturally. I am starting to see, through typing this, why I have been MIA and why my Youtube channel, TTC After Reverse Vasectomy 's last video was made in October. I just don't know who to turn to. DH and I have had so many ups and downs (little background, you all should know I moved across the country to move to CA where DH lives) and I feel out of place still. No one can prepare you for what stepmotherhood is like. No one can prepare you for what it is like to do it childless, and how you can be judged. No one can prepare you for the awkwardness (and yes, joyous) moments you will encounter with your DH over things. But to add infertility to the mix while his ex knows she snipped him- oh kill me now lol! We looked into adoption but I literally couldn't handle the classes-I meant well, I really wanted to finish them, but it was too sensitive for me, being part of an infertile couple and seeing everyone else in the class actually HAD kids. Including my husband. The whole adoption thing was way too similar to my stepparenting experience so I didn't really want that at this stage in my life. DH was trying to help us out by suggesting it, and ended up being hurt because  I couldn't handle it and would cry after class. I think we may still have different opinions on that. But I knew it would be a disservice to myself to not even see if i could be pregnant at least once in my life. We looked into a re-do, and we will be able to afford it in about 2 years maybe. IVF no go, too expensive. And I'm not that young, I am 29, and I have a longing. You can imagine the types of things this has made me and my husband go through. We know the doctor we want to do the redo, but we have to wait for that. In the meantime, we have decided on doing an IUI with donor sperm. I try not to get too excited, my first IUI is scheduled for end of Feb....DH doesn't know how to feel about it but agreed to it. I really love him and feel bad for must be hard for him. But I think he knows how much I selflessly do for his daughter and the family and that I deserve to have the miracle of pregnancy at least once. DH and I have been together almost 2 years and I want to experience a baby with him. My blood starts to boil when i remember that DH and his ex got to enjoy trying to conceive and ultrasounds and all that naturally, and in love. It really hurts. If you are reading this and are thinking about getting a Vasectomy please don't. Look what can happen. If you are reading this and are thinking about doing a reversal don't necessarily think yours will fail too. I just want people to be knowledgeable,  pick good surgeons and prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I hope I can be of help to even just one person out there struggling with the hard parts of being a childless stepmom, or someone dealing with infertility. I am hoping DH becomes more excited about the IUI and realizes we don't have many options when we are limited by money and he has zero sperm. I think he needs to remember that I care for his daughter, who is not genetically mine and reminded of it often. Seems like my buttons are getting pushed a lot lately. I am going to make some YouTube videos soon, and will keep most of my stepmom/bonus mom stuff on here as I set up my YouTube channel to be mainly about the TTC part.  Check it out :)

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Hugs!!! Xo


  1. Just wanted to say I totally agree with you on all aspects! I am a stepmom of 2 teenagers. I am only 26. I treat them everyday like they are my own but somehow it is not the same. My soon to be DH had his reversal done in September last year. We havent yet had a sperm test done, hopefully the results are good. I too am writing a blog about my experience with all this Its new and just starting out so I dont have alot of posts yet. I wish you the best of luck with all of this. Here is to both of us being mom's to our own very soon!

  2. I will check out your blog!! this is a hard journey, and I hope to hear from you again and hope everything works out! xo